I prayed for Garrett....

I would like to say I have my blog completely updated but for some reason or another (maybe life, my 3 kids, going to school, excuse, excuse, excuse) my blog is completely outdated, but such is life. I'm in a writing mood tonight, a mood that tells really how I am feeling and I am not sure this is going to be a good thing but I am hoping for a "therapeutic" relief. It's only Tuesday and it has already been a LONG emotional, chaotic, roller coaster of the past 2 days. I have realized within the past almost 3 years that at any given moment our day can change from great to not so good. I'm talking about Garrett. There is no denying that I love that boy, more than words can even say. He truly melts my heart in every way, but I can honestly say, when he was first born and I first saw him, it was not love at first sight. I remember laying there (because I had a C-Section) and the doctor's and all the nurses said, "And he's got a pretty good size birthmark." I looked over and that's all I saw on his right side was just one big huge birthmark and I thought, "that can't be my baby." I know an awful thought for a mother to think, especially when he clearly had just been ripped out of my stomach. The pediatricians and nurses kept saying, "he's great" and "we just need to watch him and make sure it's just a birthmark and there isn't any internal bleeding." I'm sorry....what did you say??? There could be something wrong with my baby?? People would visit us in the hospital and I would have to explain over and over again about his birthmark, I didn't have any answers then, I was exhausted because I had to keep explaining this thing on my son's leg that I had NO idea what it was. I sat with Justin, and told him how frustrated I was at the questions, and Justin simply said, "It's a hand print from God, that's what we will tell them." I was explaining to my Gran later about my husband's theory, and asking her, how could that possibly be a hand print, it doesn't even resemble a hand print. And Gran said, "It could be, no one truly knows what God's hand looks like. Maybe this is what it truly is." It became the best theory anyone could have ever given me. Luckily all was well, he was perfect in every way, but I still could not wrap my mind around this huge mark that was left on MY baby. I knew deep down in my heart, that everything was not going to be okay. And around 6 months old, my deepest darkest fear was coming true. The St. Louis trips began and I will openly and honestly admit that I have had really good visits with his doctors and there have been times I have cried to the doctors just wanting some definite answer and because I have been so scared out of my mind, but there remains no answer, and never will be. Over the past three years, I have prayed every day that Garrett have a good day, that he is in no pain, nor will he ever be, that we can make it to the every 2 years check-up in St. Louis, that I do not see any outstanding differences in length between his legs, and that his veins and blood vessels continue to work and cooperate the way they should. Sometimes, He has other plans for that day. This week being one of them. As I sat and watched Garrett crying on Monday complaining about his leg hurting, I noticed a definite blood vessel that is normally not that size surrounding his knee, and I knew in my heart that we were going to have to make the trip. I was a mess disaster to say the least. My mind was going 90 mph, but at the same time my mind was blank. I went to start the calls, to Justin, to the doctor, etc. When I came back in the living room, I saw Madelyn sitting there on the couch with Garrett just holding him, comforting him, rubbing his leg. She was having a moment with him. She got up from the couch and walked over to me and hugged me and said, "I prayed for him. And I asked God, why did you have to give him that birthmark?" My 11 year old daughter prayed for her brother, and while I wanted to break down and cry again for the 30th time that day, I knew I couldn't. It is my job as a parent to stay strong and be their support, but to not have an answer to for her, is the hardest thing for me. The truth is this, when Garrett was first having trouble and we began seeing some problems, I was so mad at God. I could not for the life of me understand why He would do this to this precious innocent child, why I was chosen to be the mother of a child who was going through something completely unheard of, I was bitter, I was overwhelmed and I was pissed. But so many things clicked in place, and I began to see why. Garrett's personality was blooming at a very early age, he was so laid back, just went with the flow, not a care in the world, but has the funniest personality, can laugh at so many things, has the most beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and this heart melting smile that could win anyone over. I know why he was chosen to go through this, He had a plan, He picked someone who would eventually have to handle the world and everything he would have to go through in his life. God picked my Garrett, not anyone else, just him,because HE knew what Garrett was capable of handling. But that leaves me, why me? Why was I chosen to be the mother? A long time ago, my mom once said to me, that if there is ever to be a special needs child or a child who had difficulties with their health, physical appearance, etc. in our family, I would be the one that could handle it. I could handle it because I have an open heart, am accepting of disabilities, and because I have the patience. It took me quite awhile to get this through my head when I was having not so nice conversations with the big man upstairs. But I think my mom was right. I am not saying that I am absolutely okay all the time....I lose it occasionally (or 50 times in a 10 minute conversation with my husband)....I mean full out emotional breakdowns, but I wouldn't be human without those. I know why I was chosen now, because God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Have I learned a lot along the way?? Absolutely!! I tried to explain this to Madelyn, that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Obviously, I mean, He gave me her at a completely unexpected time in my life, but me and her made it, together. She wants answers, because she not only doesn't want to see her brother in pain, but she has truly seen how scared I have been this week. As a mother, I wish everyday that I could take away Garrett's birthmark and all of his veins and vessels that don't flow or work right, and I would do anything to put them in me, just so that my child never has to have any pain or ever feel like he was different from the world around him. I would do that for any of my kids. I want to protect my kids from everything in the world but I can't, and it hurts my heart. I know if I trust in God he will take care of them for me though. So, with all of that said, we are St. Louis bound in the morning. We will call it just a check-up for now, and pray that's all it needs to be. I am hoping and praying for good things tomorrow and for everyday for my little guy. If you are like my 11 year old daughter and have prayed for Garrett, we appreciate it and we hope that you will continue to keep him in your prayers. Much Love, Katie